


love you to the moon and back

by harrytomlinsonwhoops



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Fluff, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-24
Updated: 2013-04-24
Packaged: 2017-12-09 09:31:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/772675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrytomlinsonwhoops/pseuds/harrytomlinsonwhoops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>come on baby with me we're gonna fly away from here, out of this curtained room and this hospital grey will just disappear.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	love you to the moon and back

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Te amo hasta la luna y de regreso](https://archiveofourown.org/works/978272) by [sofi16_1999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofi16_1999/pseuds/sofi16_1999)



> based on taylor swift's _ronan._ trigger warnings for cancer and death of a child. tumblr post can be found [here](http://slytherin-larrie.tumblr.com/post/141893710214/love-you-to-the-moon-and-back-by/) and here's a [playlist](http://slytherin-larrie.tumblr.com/post/139416725014/starrynightlou-love-you-to-the-moon-and-back/) that was made for me as well!!

_-harry is four and louis is six-_

“louis?” harry questions, looking very thoughtfully at the toy t-rex in his hand. “what sound do dinosaurs make?”

“dinosaurs are all dead harry,” louis says, frowning. “a big star killed them, because they were too big and scary for people to be around. dead things don’t make sound.”

“louis?” harry repeats. “what’s dead?”

louis bit his lip, deep in thought. “dead is gone. it’s like sleeping forever, i think. your mummy’s grammy is dead. my daddy’s daddy is dead too. that means we won’t ever see them again.”

harry bites his lips. “i went to a party once, to say goodbye to grammy. except she wasn’t there and everyone was sad and i had to wear a suit that itched. was that because she was dead?”

it’s at times like these when louis remembers that harry is only four. “that’s called a funeral. that’s when a bunch of people get together and cry about missing someone. mummy told me so.”

“that doesn’t sound very fun,” harry observes, putting his toy dinosaur down. “louis?”

“yes harry?” louis is a very patient person when it comes to harry. when your best friend is only four, you kind of have to be.

“i think we should just play with the cars. cars can’t be dead, can they?” harry looks up at louis, eyes wide.

“no harry, cars don’t die. vroom vroom,” he says, rolling his blue car towards harry’s red one.

“vroom vroom,” harry whispers, still staring at the toy dinosaur, a confused look on his young face.

_-harry is six and louis is eight-_

one time, in spring, harry falls from a tree and breaks his arm and louis spends the entire time screaming and crying like it was his bone sticking out of his arm and the doctor at the hospital has to give him an injection to calm him down and harry said later that he didn’t even feel the pain, because louis felt it all for him.

_-harry is eight and louis is ten-_

“wake up wake up wake up!” harry screams, jumping on louis’ bed.

louis grumbles and opens his eyes, shutting them just as quickly. “it’s so bright, turn the light off,” he moans.

louis hears harry giggle and that gives him enough strength to open his eyes. harry is sort of beautiful when he laughs. “that’s the sun silly! it’s almost eleven o’clock lou, wake up!”

“but why?” louis groans. “i’m tired.”

“that’s because you stayed up late last night. you should have gone to sleep when i did, like a good boy,” harry teases.

“ten o’clock isn’t late,” louis tells him. “zayn stays up till eleven, and he’s only nine.”

“well liam goes to bed at nine thirty, and he gets better grades then any of us. and also does better at soccer,” harry says, raising an eyebrow at his best friend. louis regrets the day he taught him how to do that.

“liam sucks,” he informs harry, stretching.

“girls like liam,” harry counters. “girls don’t like us.”

louis gives harry a look. “that’s because we don’t like girls,” he explains. sometimes, he feels that the two year difference between him and his best friend feels more like ten years.

harry looks confused. “i like girls. caroline is pretty. so is hannah, and i’ve seen her looking at you during recess. she likes you louis, i know it.”

louis laughs loudly. “caroline is sixteen and your baby sitter, harry. and hannah is stupid. she tried to kiss me during english yesterday.”

harry’s face turns bright red. “i hate hannah,” he decides, folding his arms. “she’s- she’s a poo head.”

“a big smelly poo head,” louis agrees. “mrs. freeman gave her a timeout for kissing me,” he says, hoping to make harry smile again. louis thinks that even puppies would be sad if harry wasn’t smiling. louis thinks harry’s smile is probably the prettiest one in the world. and louis is ten, so he can’t possibly be wrong.

“good,” harry huffs. “don’t you ever let her kiss you again lou, i mean it.”

harry is a very jealous person and louis tells him so. “what’s jealous?” harry asks, because he's only eight, and maybe he hasn't learnt that word at school yet. louis doesn't remember when he learnt _jealous_ , but he thinks it was probably when his mummy came home from the hospital with a tiny baby and said  _this is your new sister, lottie_.

“it’s when you like me so much that you don’t let anybody else like me,” louis explains. it’s more or less what his mum had said.

harry thinks for a second. “i let liam and zayn and also niall like you. and your mummy and even baby lottie and also mark.”

louis shakes his head.  “but they all have to like me, because they’re family. you won’t let any proper girls like me.”

“girls are stupid,” harry mumbles. louis grins, and nods in agreement.

“hannah doesn’t have curly hair,” he tells harry. “and you know that curly hair is my favourite.”

when harry smiles at him, louis feels like he could do anything, even get out of bed.

 _-harry is ten and louis is twelve_ -

it’s tuesday the day that harry misses school for the first ever time. louis rushes home from the bus stop, and runs pass his own house, heading straight for harry’s. when he knocks on the door, it’s anne that answers, her face red and tear stained.

“hello anne,” louis says politely. anne never cries. not even when the bunny he and harry shared got sick and died, or when harry’s proper dad left, or when they watched _rugrats in paris_ and chuckie was sad because he didn’t have a mummy.

“hello louis,” she said, smiling weakly at him.

“is harry here? he wasn’t at school today,” he informs her. “harry’s always at school.”

“he’s in his bedroom,” anne whispers, more tears springing to her eyes. “you can go up, if you’d like.” louis smiles at her, and races up the stairs, grateful to get away. he hates when girls cry, especially mums. at least when lottie cries she's easily calmed with her blankie or some cookies; mums re a lot harder to comfort. 

louis slows down when he gets to harry’s room, and a bad feeling settles in his stomach. he knocks softly on the door, and waits until he hears harry’s voice say _come in_ , before opening it.

“hi,” he says, staring at his best friend. harry smiles up at him, before tilting his head in confusion.

“what are you doing here?” he asks.

louis takes a small step closer to harry’s bed. “you weren’t at school,” he explains. “i missed you. where were you?”

harry sighs. “i was at the hospital.” louis feels his eyes widen, and harry answers his unspoken question. “there were bruises on my back,” he says. “only- only i haven’t hurt my back louis. and i threw up a lot this morning. mummy took me to the doctor and he got all quiet and said she should take me to the hospital.”

“what did the hospital say?” louis whispers.

harry looks at louis, who suddenly feels like the youngest one in the friendship.  “louis, do you know what cancer is?” he asks. louis shakes his head, and harry smiles slightly. “neither did i. but now i do. cancer is when bad things are inside of you, and they eat all of the good things, until nothing is left. and then you die and go up to heaven.”

louis blinks. “why are you telling me this?” and his voice is small and it breaks which has been happening a lot lately because louis is growing up and turning into a man but this isn’t a growing up kind of voice break, this is an about to cry kind of voice break.

“because i have cancer,” harry says, and promptly bursts into tears. louis blinks again. lots of times in a row and he blinks so many times he can’t even see harry anymore, because tears are pouring out of his eyes too.

“but, but you _can’t_ go to heaven,” louis protests, joining harry on his bed. “i’m not in heaven, curly, so that means you’re not allowed to be there either.” harry starts crying even harder, causing louis to panic. “don’t cry. what’s wrong?”

“all my hair is going to fall off,” harry wails.  “you won’t love me if i don’t have curly hair louis, and then you might love eleanor, because she has curly hair and i won’t have any!”

louis feels silly for crying, because it’s only a hair thing. that’s what cancer is. harry’s hair might die, but he won’t. louis would love harry even if he had straight hair, or none at all, and he tell’s harry exactly that. he hugs harry really tight and he can feel the _thump thump thump_ of his heart and of course he’s okay, because harry is here and harry is breathing and harry is harry even without hair.

(when he gets home later that night, his mum squishes into his bed and says that anne rang her before louis left for home. she cuddles louis tight and explains that cancer is not just a hair thing. cancer is an entire body thing. cancer is a _death_ thing.

cancer is a thing that his best friend has.)

_-harry is eleven and louis is thirteen-_

the doctors use words like _leukemia_ and _brain tumor_ and _only a few months left_ and _you should call his dad- call everybody really. this is it anne, we’re so sorry_. louis hates doctors.

harry lost his pretty hair two months ago, and louis shaved his head two days after harry’s starting falling out. they got odd looks when they went outside now, which wasn’t often, because harry couldn’t leave his bed anymore.

“vroom vroom,” harry whispers, pushing his red car towards louis’ blue one. the hospital floor is grey and cold and louis thinks that harry probably shouldn’t be lying on it, because he could get sick. except he already is sick and that’s the only reason they’re in the stupid hospital room anyway.

“how’s high school?” harry asks suddenly, pulling louis out of his worries.

“stupid,” louis shrugs.  “no fun without you there.”

harry frowns. “you’re going to have to get used being without-”

“i don’t have to get used to anything,” louis interrupts, standing up. he wants to yell at harry and tell him he’s not allowed to give up, tell him he’s never allowed to give up, except harry’s looking up at him with his bright green eyes that seem too big for his pale, withdrawn face, and louis knows he could never do or say anything that might hurt him. “i’m sorry,” he sighs, helping harry stand up. he hadn’t been able to do it on his own for three weeks and two days now.

“it’s okay,” harry smiles. “are the classes at least good?” he asks. “i never thought i’d say this, but i actually miss school.”

louis tries to laugh, but can only muster a weak smile. “we were reading about wars in history today,” he says. “i think that you are the kind of person that kings would burn down entire empires for.”

harry looks up at him, and louis feels like his best friend has aged ten years in the last ten months. “maybe you’re the one that did the burning,” harry says.

“is this in one of our past lives?” louis says through a watery smile. harry had been researching a lot about reincarnation ever since he heard the word _terminal_. he had explained it to louis once, about how he liked to think that maybe they’d been friends in a past life, and that they would meet again, no matter what happened behind the curtains of his hospital room.

“yes,” harry decides, and louis helps him lie down on the bed.

“shove over curly, i’m tired too,” he complains, laying down next to harry. harry's cold feet press against louis' instantly, seeking warmth. “so tell me about the past life where i was a king.”

“you were only a prince at the time,” harry corrects. “and i was a prince from another kingdom, just down the street. me and my mum met you and your mum at the playground once, and found out we didn’t live too far away from each other. we became best friends, and i think we fell in love a little too, ‘cept you still haven’t said so, because you’re stupid and shy and also you think that people care that we’re both boys. which they don’t, by the way.”

louis blushes a deep red, and harry smiles at him. “one day, an evil wizard called leukaemia captured me, because he was bald and jealous of my beautiful head of hair,” he said, and louis forces a laugh. “you heard about it, and instantly rushed to save me, but you were too late. the evil wizard had stolen all my hair away, and my head was bald and pale and ugly.”

louis is about to protest, and tell harry that he’s wrong, that he’s beautiful no matter what his head looks like, but harry presses a finger to his lips. “and i was asleep when you found me, and i was so so worried you wouldn’t love me the same, but you kissed me, right here, right on my lips,” he took his finger away from louis’ lips to touch his own. “and i then woke up, and all my hair was back, and i was better again, because your kiss was so powerful it could fix anything.” louis knows a hint when he sees one. he is thirteen after all.

he leans in and gently brushes his lips across harry’s. their kiss lasts a total of five and a half seconds, and it’s one of the best moments of louis’ life.

when he opens his eyes, harry’s already smiling up at him, eyes bright and green, and louis understands everything he wants to say. “i love you,” he tells harry. and it’s long overdue and he’s thirteen and he shouldn’t know what love is, shouldn't know how much love can hurt, but he does.

“i love you too, lou,” harry says, smiling.

“i know,” louis says, because he’s known since harry was four and he was six and they were playing with plastic dinosaurs and toy cars. “and if i could save you, i would. i would take you away from this hospital room, and we would fly on a dragon or something and go live in a castle where none of the curtains were grey and it didn’t smell like sick and medicine. i love you,” he repeats, because he needs harry to hear it.

“how much?” harry whispers, eyes drooping from tiredness.

“to the moon,” louis whispers. “and back.”

“to the moon,” harry repeats, and he closes his beautiful green eyes and falls asleep with a smile on his face for the first time since he was diagnosed.

(louis never sees him open his eyes again)

_-harry is gone and louis is thirteen-_

he’s in a car and he’s crying and screaming and his mum is begging him to _calm down, just a little bit, please louis, wait until we’re home, i know it hurts baby, i know, i know_ and she may know what he's feeling but he  _doesn't_ , because he’s thirteen; he’s only _thirteen_ and his best friend just died and he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to do anything except cry and breathe and he can’t even do _that_ properly anymore, because his lungs have forgotten how to work just like harry's heart forgot how to beat.

-

his house is filled with almost as many flowers as he imagines harry’s would be, because anybody who knew harry knew louis and knew that louis is just lost as anne and gemma are at the moment. people send him piles upon piles of sunflowers, harry's favourite flower.  _they're as bright as the sun, louis,_ he used to say.  _but not as bright as you_ , louis always replied.

he never knew flowers could make him feel so sad.

-

it’s almost halloween and harry has been gone for three months and sixteen days and twelve hours. last year, louis dressed up like spider man and harry was scooby doo. harry wanted to be superman this year. now harry won’t get to be anything this year except dead. a trick or treater knocks on louis' door after dinner. they're wearing a white sheet with eye holes cut out, and louis only lasts for two second after they call out  _trick or treat_ before he vomits all over his shoes. 

_-harry is gone and louis is fourteen-_

“i can’t bear to throw away any of his clothes, but i can’t just keep them in his closet. please, take anything you want louis, i know he’d want you to have it,” anne says, and she’s avoiding louis’ eyes, but it’s okay, because louis can’t look anybody in the eyes anymore either. “half of it is probably yours anyway,” she adds, a tear slipping down her cheek. louis just nods, and walks up the stairs to harry’s room, feeling his stomach sink lower with each step.

harry’s room is exactly the way he left it. bed unmade, socks all over the floor. photos of louis and gemma and anne and niall and liam and zayn all over the back of his door. louis can’t breathe. louis can’t do this.

louis has to do this. he takes a few small steps forward, and opens harry’s door slowly, half expecting the younger boy to jump out and scare him like he used to do.

he doesn’t.

harry’s smell hits him the second the closet door opens, and louis feels tears fall down his face. harry’s jumpers and shirts and pants are inside this closet and he’s never gonna wear any of it ever again.

“i’m so sorry,” he whispers into the closet. “i’m sorry you won’t get to wear any of this and i’m sorry that you don’t get to go to high school and i do and i’m sorry it was you and not me.”

-

when he comes back down the stairs, anne is drinking tea with shaking hands. “oh. hi louis, are you done already?”

louis nods slowly, and steps closer to anne. “i- just wanted a few jumpers,” he says, squeezing them tight. anne looks at the pile in his hand, and louis knows that she knows that the jumpers are all too small for him. 

“and the toys?” she asks, nodding at the small blue and red cars in his hands. louis’s eyes fill with tears as he nods. “oh, oh sweetie, come on, let’s have a cuddle,” she says, pulling him up in her lap, and really, he’s too big for this now, but neither of them care.

“i- i really thought he would survive,” louis mumbles. “i thought a miracle or something would happen, you know? harry’s the type of person that miracle’s should happen to.”

anne nods, eyes shining with tears. “what if,” she says, patting louis’s hair. “the miracle was even getting to meet him? what if having just one moment with my beautiful harry was the miracle?”

louis lets out a sob then, and nods in agreement, because _yes_ , harry was definitely a miracle with his beautiful curly brown hair and his bright green eyes and his ever present smile and his loud infectious laugh. 

-

when louis sleeps that night (after taking a little white pill, just like every night since harry left him), he dreams of burning kingdoms and a prince with beautiful hair and shining eyes. he dreams of kisses and toy dinosaurs and flying away on a dragon from an evil fortress. he dreams of flying to the moon, harry’s arms wrapped around his waist, and his hands wrapped around his heart.

_“but how much do you love me louis?” harry asks, a cheeky smile on his face._

_louis smiles, and kisses his best friend on the cheek. “all the way to the moon,” he tells him. harry smiles._

_“and back,” he finishes for him._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading. i would truly love it if any of you could spare the time to watch this [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEUumIaxM9M&app=desktop), and then consider sharing it or donating to [this cause](http://prf.donorpages.com/TeamEnzoFundraising/CatherinaLlontop/). a little boy that i know was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease called progeria. this disease causes him to age at rapid rates, and children who suffer from this have a life expectancy of only 15 years. enzo is currently the only child with this disease in the entirety of australia, and he and his family would appreciate any awareness you could raise or any funds you can spare. if you're unable to financially help, please consider even sharing the video so maybe it will reach someone who is able to. again, thank you for reading.
> 
> as usual, find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/slytherinlarry_) and [tumblr](http://slytherin-larrie.tumblr.com).


End file.
